Riding the Waves of the Empty Nest Syndrome

I have just returned from my summer trip back East and several "friends" (and by friends, I mean people who I only know because they read my blog posts) have emailed me and said, "Are you still feeling effects from being an empty nester, even though its been 3 years since your youngest flew the coop?"  They also said that they noticed I haven't written as much lately, so maybe I am "cured" or something.  But, this summer has been the most difficult time frame of all for me and here's why...................

Three years ago, in the middle of August, my youngest child started her first year of college and this blog was created to document the emotions, the thoughts and the activities of being an empty nest Mom.  I wrote sad posts while sobbing, I wrote posts telling of funny stories about getting older and forgetting things, I wrote about treating my golden retriever as if he was a child and many posts about dieting and generally living out my wonderful life!  It's been very therapeutic and I would recommend to all empty nest parents, to at least write a journal about this time in your life.

Just when I thought I have conquered this phase, I became jolted by another even more powerful wave of empty nest issues!  Blindsided, actually.  In hindsight, I should have been ready and prepared for the emotional roller coaster that occurred in July.

My oldest son had attended college at ASU, just 25 minutes down the road.  I got to see him regularly for Sunday dinners, tailgate parties and the like.  After college, he took a position with a large firm, in downtown Phoenix.  Again, I got to see him when I missed the kids.  He and his girlfriend (now wife) were always very accommodating to my need for temporary filling up the empty nest.  But Andy was now packing and leaving to attend Columbia Graduate School, for his MBA.......and for the first time, I was really going to be an empty nester!  Mother Bird kicked into serious crazy mode and stayed with them for about 5 solid days, helping them pack, and handling the details of a cross-country move.  I can tell you now, songs on the radio were my enemy!  I could not control the tears and if I heard Alisha Keyes and Jay-Z sing that beautiful song about NEW YORK one more time, I was going to explode!

So, I think the best answer I can give my reader friends is that I believe that from now on, we will experience "waves" of that ole empty nest feeling.  Some waves will be gentle and others, like this summer for me, will have hurricane force winds behind those waves.  And, I would tell them not to worry, because we Mother Birds are very resilient and strong.  And we will control the situation as best as we can to help alleviate the pain and loss that we are experiencing.

For me, maybe the nest moves...................maybe my wings will grow....................maybe all of the above.  That's the beauty of life.......and we should relax and try to enjoy the moments as they occur.

Empty Nest Spouse Work 101

Husband talk has always been one of those tricky topics for me on this blog.  The topic is not completely left untouched........how can such an important part of my life be left out?  But, let's just say, it's one area that I try to tread lightly.  Except for maybe here and here and oops, here.....I've been a good little blogging wife!  Still, the spouse topic is one of the most important areas for the empty nest parent.  So, I pull out the carton of eggs and tiptoe through this delicate topic.....for my readers, of course.

I can safely say that 100% of my friends and acquaintances who are in the empty nest phase of their life, would say that life with the spouse has changed; 85% would say that these changes are dramatic. The types of changes range from reigniting the most passionate feelings for one another to convictions of murder and all places in between.  And, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason why some couples change one way or another! It is safe to say that most of us did not read up "how to best cope with the changes that WILL occur once the children leave the nest".  I know I was too busy being Mom and coping with the feelings of loss and excitement as my babies started flying the coop. The husband would have to wait....

  Which brings me to a thought and a story set back in 1990.  I was married to my first husband (a topic I rarely touch on this blog!) and had just had my 3rd and final child.  I was in the throws of breastfeeding, potty-training and the first year of t-ball with the kids.  I was doing the best I could.....I think you could call it 'managing' the chaos!  It was wonderful and awful at the same time.  If you had interviewed me at the time, I would have said I was happy.  The days and many of the nights were filled with activity, only the activity with my husband was limited.  Looking back, I now know that my old stand of "the husband would have to wait" was detrimental to our relationship.  Who knows if devoting quality time for the spouse would have kept us as a married unit, but let's just say for the fun of it....it wouldn't have hurt the relationship!  All parties in the family should be given equal attention and love.  Easier said than done, though, at least for me it WAS and IS..........

So, why is it that history keeps repeating itself and we humans have a difficult learning from our past mistakes?  Do we really have to keep trying out Keynesian economic practices before we understand they rarely work?!!  I digress..... Okay, so I know that not placing the significant amount of time and effort towards my spousal relationship during the empty nest years could result in negative changes in my relationship, which may or not be a good thing in the end.  That's step one....learning from history....my history.  I acknowledge this to be true but DOING the right thing here, isn't coming naturally.  Why?

• The parent-child pull is stronger than the spousal pull.  I believe this to be true.  Responsibility is partly to blame, but also the nature of the relationship is different.

• One relationship is voluntary, one is not.  

• One is conditional love and one is unconditional love.  There, I said it. What do you expect from a divorced person?  Marriages are so 'easy-come-easy-go' these days.  I know many of you want us to believe that marriage is a sacred relationship.....the sanctity of marriage and all....but when one day you arrive home from a vacation with your children and are told, I don't think I love you anymore, so I am leaving......it doesn't feel that way!  Perhaps if we would all except the fact that marriage has conditions that must be met (and then maybe even state them in writing) maybe there would be less than 50% divorces in this country.  Children on the other hand will always be your children.  Only in a few way-out-there cases do children and their parents 'divorce' each other. Our children will always be our children and we can strengthen or weaken this bond through our actions towards one another. But the love is unconditional.       

Step Two: Take Actions Necessary to Avoid the Same Lifetime Mistakes:

1. Balance: It's really all about balance for me.  Sometimes, my husband and his priorities need to come ahead of my children';s priorities. (Why are so many situations an 'either or' scenario?)  My relationship with my husband is worth trying to create this very delicate balance.   
2. Communication: Ughhhhh! This will be my husband's thoughts on #2!  Talking about the subject will help me, even if he dreads it terribly.  We have two very distinct and difference personalities, so without talking through topics, I have no idea where he's coming from....and he has no ideas where I am coming from! 
3. Practice: Because none of this program happens naturally, I believe you must make considerable effort to try to practice # 1 and # 2 if you really want to be successful. Think of it like you are just an okay person on the soccer field and soccer moves don't come second nature to you.  Practicing a maneuver over and over will help you improve your skills and you might even master them one day. 

There is the other side of the coin.....what if drastic changes with your partner during this empty nest period result in an even better quality of life (maybe even for both of you)?  Well, that topic deserves a whole post to itself!  For now,  I am sticking with improving on my life as it stands.  Good luck to all of you in the same boat! 

The Valentine's Day Dilemna

Image via WikipediaI hope you don't mind that I am chomping on my sea salt cashews while I write this post.  It is just that I'm a little depressed that my pants are fitting snugly today with Valentine's Day being so close and all.  I like to blame it on the whole 'empty nest' syndrome thing.....kids leave to go back to school...I get bored and start mindless eating....then I get a bit depressed.  You know what I am talking about, don't you?  Well, jolly good for you if you don't....I am envious.  But as I get older, I stress just a tiny bit more about Feb 14 and being a good Valentine for my husband.

Valentine's Day was never one of my favorite holidays to begin with.  It seems so commercial and set up for guys to have to buy you gifts to show their undying love for you.  I would probably HATE Valentine's Day if I was a guy.  I don't like to be told when to shower gifts to loved ones.  I sometimes like to buy a family member a large gift two weeks before Christmas....just for the fun and surprise of such an act.

The week after the 'big day' is always miserable, too, as everyone is huddled in the break room or cooler, sharing stories of what romantic things their significant other did for them.  (I hope they were all exaggerating, or I have been screwed!)

Only one time in my adult life did I actually do something kind of cool and interesting for my husband.  It was part fun, part sexy, part relaxing and we both enjoyed the experience.  But for whatever reason, I haven't thought about creating some new romantic venture for us.  This thought makes me want to eat the cashews a little faster.....

At our age, the best thing I could is simply fix a delicious meal and have a nice quiet evening, but even as I type those pitiful words onto the paper, it makes me think, that cannot be the end-all romantic evening!  We are not 100 years old yet.  And it really has very little to do with age, it's all about the attitude.  Maybe our attitudes suck, too. 

But wait, you say....there's still plenty of time to do something creative and worthy of this very special relationship.  Look for ideas around the house and get started.  What are you waiting for, you pester.......

I think the answer lies at the bottom of this can of nuts....................