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Thursday, February 12, 2009

Give the Ultimate Gift: The 'Once Around'

The # 8 suggestion of perfect Valentine's Day gifts is also my story on "Love" in Sprites Keeper's 'Spin Cycle'. Make sure you head over to her site to read some wonderful stories on the topic of love.

I always feel sorry for men around the Valentine's Day holiday as most advertisers target them to purchase something for their partners. But we women often feel the pressure to get something for our partners as well. Maybe it's that hard-to-dinner or cute teddy bear purchase (yuck), or as in my case ten years ago, the extraordinary sexual favor.

Valentine's Day was on a Thursday this particular year and our office was planning to close an hour early, presumably so that everyone could get their gift or make that dinner for our loved one. A group of women in the office chose to eat in the office kitchen that day because of our heavy workloads and the early dismissal. Now, as women often do, we started to discuss what we were going to give our partners and guess what the guys were going to get us. We were a group of slackers as most of us hadn't thought of a single clever present to give.

The young receptionist saw this cute purple bear with a heart that said, "Be my Baby" and thought her boyfriend would like that. We decided only a 20-something with a body like hers could get away with giving such a lame present. Then, our marketing manager, Nadine, spoke up. I'm thinking....oh no, here goes. There's one 'Nadine' in every office. She's the type that's ahead of the curve, cutting edge so to speak when it comes to men and the affairs of the heart. Our 'Nadine' was from California and knew things the rest of us could only dream about. We listened to her words very carefully:

"You could always try the extraordinary sexual favor tonight. Why don't you give the 'once around'". We act cool. No one speaks, but to protect the naive group, I speak up. "Oh yeah, the 'once around', what is that again"? She's of course on to us. She has us right where she wants us. Nadine likes educating her students.

Nadine starts to explain that this maneuver takes some physical agility but she never has any trouble performing it. In vivid detail she explains how the women mounts her partner, then she spins once around in a clockwise motion. I want to take notes but decide it might look stupid if I taped instructions onto the headboard that night, so I try to picture the motion in my head instead.

"So, you just sit on your man's special part and spin around", I say, like I totally get it. "No, you are thinking of the helicopter". Right.... "This move is much harder to do right but more pleasurable for both parties involved", Nadine explains. "You must start and end in the missionary position". We all smile; we know that one!

The day's over and I rush to the grocery store. I don't feel like cooking a 5-course meal, so I get two steaks, two twice-baked potatoes, a ready-made salad and a bottle of champagne. I passed by the display of ugly teddy bears. Tonight, I will attempt the 'once around' for my partner!

As I am cooking, I find the song 'Fly Me To The Moon' to play on the stereo and start to giggle. Bill looks at me quizzically. He knows me well enough at this time in our relationship, that I've got something up my sleeve. Why that song? There is a great movie called "Once Around" and they play that song several times throughout the show. I think I'm so clever. But I'm nervous, too. What if I f**k it up? I use my nervousness as the primary excuse for the two cocktails before the dinner and champagne.

Several hours later, Bill gives me my present and it's lovely and I give him a big thank you hug. "Now, follow me, as I have a little something for you, too". Champagne makes it sooooo much easier to say such things with authority; I highly recommend drinking lots of the bubbly!

As I undress, I think to myself should I tell him I am going to do this amazing act on him or just do it? Why didn't Nadine tell us how to start?! I decide to just relax and have some fun.

Once in position and all "things" are tight and in place, I say, "okay, now I'm going to do the once around" in my sexiest voice I can muster, placing my hands in the starting position. I push off and spin in the correct direction only to hit the wrought iron bedpost at the bottom of the bed squarely in my forehead.

Note to self: Start in very middle of the bed. Best to use a bed without posts!

We start laughing hysterically because being drunk on champagne makes you think ramming into metal is funny. But, we are not quitters. I move him to the middle and start over. I give a bigger push off and make it 180 degrees and land on his feet.

Note to self: Ask your partner to point his toes so you can glide past with ease!

"How did you think of this move, Beth"? I think of Nadine and how she said she spins around with ease. "Maybe it can't work", he says with this big ole grin on his face.

I pull his toes in a pointing position, remount and take a big breath and push off like the Apollo 13. In driving school language I make it to the "10" position, but then continue straight off course and onto the floor. (Things can get a little slippery when wet). We are laughing so hard that it hurts. I can't manage to get myself untangled and off the floor.

Like a gallant knight with shiny armour, he lifts me from the floor and places me on his shiny armour (hee hee). We aren't messing around anymore. Determination and will power has set in for the both of us. He places his hands on my shoulders and assists with the push off. His toes are pointed and a glide past the feet and continue around, making sure to lift my body just enough to stay "on" and land facing my partner who's smiling ear to ear. WE DID IT! We are sexual animals, YES. We collapse in each other arms as somewhere in the middle of this ordeal, we both had come and were exhausted. There's a good reason this is called the 'Once Around'.

Best. Valentine's. Day. ever.

Whatever you decide to give to your loved one, make sure to remember to relax and have some fun. We are lucky to have such wonderful relationships in our lives after all. Good luck.

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Blogger Lisa Eshelman said...

Too funny. And I thought the once around had to do with shopping.

February 12, 2009 at 8:44 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

After this attempt, does this mean only ONCE in a blue moon??

February 12, 2009 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

OMG that was fricken hilarious!!! After reading I read it to Hot Sexy Husband who also Laughed his ass off!!!
But, I'm glad you succeeded!!!

February 12, 2009 at 10:34 AM  
Blogger Sprite's Keeper said...

So it took a third around to complete the once around? Do you get points for dedication? I would have needed a lot of champagne to keep the effort up after the first fail. Go, you! You're linked!

February 12, 2009 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I seriously think I would need a visual aid to complete this maneuver. I'm still a bit confused.
Sounds fun though.

February 12, 2009 at 6:21 PM  
Blogger Casey said...

OMG, you have me blushing here. ME. BLUSHING. I didn't know it was possible.

I thought you were talking about a reach around for awhile there but I guess that's totally different.

February 12, 2009 at 9:49 PM  
Blogger said...

Sounds good to me!

February 13, 2009 at 11:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I'd like to see a youtube instructional video of just how that is done BEFORE attempting on my own.

February 13, 2009 at 5:41 PM  
Blogger beth said...

Lisa: shopping is foreplay, duh!

Nicole: Good idea, I think I've confused a few people. I have to honor my Google agreement, of course, but maybe someone will volunteer!

Christine: How about once in a lifetime!

February 13, 2009 at 6:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, have you attempted to master the technique in the years since, and with any degree of success? or does Bill wear a cup to bed on Valentines night?

February 14, 2009 at 5:13 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Wait. I'm still confused. But then again, I'm the idiot who fell asleep on our fifteen anniversary earlier this week. Sigh...

I love that you banged your head against the metal though. To me, that kind of stuff is funny even when you are sober!

February 15, 2009 at 9:58 AM  
Blogger Fragrant Liar said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am having a hard time stopping laughing. I am picturing every move and it just tickles the shit out of me. What a great story!

But I am a little confused. If you must start and end in the missionary position, why were you on top? And how the hell do you spin around? Where are your arms and legs during this procedure?

Okay, okay. I just think this is hysterical. Thank you so much for the giggles.


February 15, 2009 at 7:16 PM  
Blogger beth said...

Fragrant Liar: The woma is on top (upside down missionary) and your arms are kind of like the flying nun! A video would be helpful but maybe painful to watch! I giggle just thinking about it!

February 15, 2009 at 11:22 PM  
Blogger Keely said...

I'm picturing it - I think - but it, physically impossible. Do you just hope for enough momentum to rotate or do you have to keep pushing yourself around??

Okay, maybe I'm a little confused too. Sounds like fun though.

February 16, 2009 at 10:55 AM  
Blogger Fragrant Liar said...

Well, it all sounds like the "helicopter"! :)) I am still laughing about this.

February 16, 2009 at 6:08 PM  
Blogger Raf said...

HAHA hilarious! i was blushing too!!! I thought somehow 'once around' might mean pole dancing or something hehe

February 16, 2009 at 8:56 PM  

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