Ode to Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramels

This poem was adopted (okay, stolen) from Clement Moore's 'Twas the Night before Christmas' classic poem:

Twas the night before December 3rd, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a golden retriever named Wrigley.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St 'Joe' soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds at college,

While visions of straight A's and parties danced in their heads.

And Bill in his ‘Vineyard Vine' jammy pants, and I in my Victoria Secret pj's,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.Away to the window I flew like a flash,Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the grass with no snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a bag boy from Trader Joe's, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,I knew in a moment it must be St 'Joe'.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the bag full of dark chocolate Sea Salt Caramels, and St 'Joe', too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St 'Joe' and the bag boy came with a bound.

They were dressed all in green, recyclable clothes, from their head to their foot,

And their clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of 'buttery smooth caramels drenched in Belgian chocolate, sprinkled in rock salt' was flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in a panic,

And the smoke must have been, something organic.

He had a broad face and a flat little belly,

That was rock hard when he laughed, like a bowlful of rocks (of course)!

He was fit and healthy, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings with the chocolates, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,"Happy dark chocolate Sea Salt Caramels to all, and to all a good-night!"