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Friday, March 20, 2009

Lady Beth...In Waiting

Just when I thought I was getting the hang of being an empty nest woman who is aging gracefully, I open up an email this morning and find out I apparently have to change a lot of my bad habits before a proper lady can bloom! The Women Company has put together a list of the top ten things a lady should not do in public. It's sort of a comeback to the riveting list wrote this week. Who knew that men shouldn't pick their noses or "pee conspicuously" in public?

Listed below are the ten things a lady should not to do in public and my thoughts and responses:

1. Apply Full Make-Up
I do not do this, not because I am a lady. I am just too lazy to put all my make-up in a bag and carry it to the car to put it on. Maybe, there's hope for me after all......
2. Adjust Your Skimpy Underwear
Well, they weren't skimpy when I bought them! Either they shrank in the washer or I grew. So, handling uncomfortably positioned undies all day makes you a lady, hmmm...
3. Sit Cross-Legged While Wearing a Skirt
I know this one. But honestly, this feels so unnatural. It feels like you are in a Pilates position and are waiting to be released. I get it, to be a lady we must endure uncomfortable positions for extended amounts of time.

4. Show Off Your Midriff
This one is easy. I would not want to ruin one's day by presenting my cortisol-enriched belly in public.
5. Talk on Your Phone in a Public Bathroom or Dressing Room
I do not talk on the phone in a bathroom or during meetings which usually, I get the response, "you never answer your phone"! So, no matter what, a lady is wrong...right?
6. Ask Your Partner or Spouse If They Love You
I am hearing conflicting messages here: therapists have told me in the past that I should be assertive and proactive with my spouse and if I want to hear the words "I love you", I just need to ask him. To be a lady, and if I am married to a guy who is not prone to saying sweet nothings in my ear, I should accept that fact and not hear those fantastic three little words ever again.

7. Tweeze Errant Hairs or Pop a Pimple
Thank goodness for me, my hairs are not errant! And I never really did get pimples. Do you hear "Lady Beth"?

8. Criticize Your Partner or Spouse
Okay, now I am so screwed. So to be lady I need to take all the fun out of life and not criticize poor old hubby? Come on, where's the sport?

9. Adjust the Girls
"Girls" are boobies, FYI. (Aren't they clever?) I was really shocked at this one. So, when one of my larger than normal breast pops out of the cute demi-cut bra I bought just last week, I am supposed to just let it hang out? This might take a little getting used to, especially in a white top! But, I really want to be a lady, so there will be no future adjustments in public from now on.

10. Pee All Over the Toilet Seat
Okay, I should tell you that they go on to say, you CAN pee all over the seat, you just have to clean up after yourself. Phew! This was going to be a hard one until I read the fine print!
Luckily for all of us, lists like this exist so we can prefect our behavior. I am off to start a proper ladylike day. I think I'll wear a navy blouse!

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Blogger Lisa Eshelman said...

So we need to make sure to buy granny underware since our butts hit the ground. What is FULL MAKEUP? I am lucky to smear a little brown stuff under my eyes to keep the bags from showing. Anything beyond that is caking. I guess I won't make it as a lady.

March 20, 2009 at 8:02 PM  
Anonymous marla leigh said...

sounds like being a lady is a lot of work, I think I will just continue to run errands sans make-up, but NOT without my oversized sunglasses even on a rainy day. Good thing I rarely wear skirts, and usually the girls are well placed so thats not an issue, but as far as asking the hubby to say those three little words, he has no problem saying what's for dinner! ha ha cute article Marla Leigh

March 20, 2009 at 11:10 PM  
Blogger Raf said...

LOLSSSSSS this was so hilarious haha and lady beth has such a nice ring to it! i wonder, if a man does these things, will he become a lady too automatically!

March 21, 2009 at 2:23 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

I do hope that navy blouse took care of the girls problem, although white is much more realistic in 90 degree weather!

March 21, 2009 at 12:35 PM  
Blogger Jenni Jiggety said...

Wait...I had no idea we weren't to cross our legs while wearing a skirt! Really? What happens if I do????

March 22, 2009 at 12:24 PM  
Anonymous Nicole "The Card Eagle" Bandes said...

Ok, if you pee on the seat (presumably because you are "hovering") and don't clean it up, you aren't just being UN lady like. You may as well be hanging with the lowlest tramps around. That's just gross!

March 23, 2009 at 12:15 PM  
Blogger Casey said...

I never knew it but I think I'm a lady. Thanks for confirming it!

March 23, 2009 at 11:07 PM  

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